


Apricot

by tenmillionotters



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Adoption, Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, M/M, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 02:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14346039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenmillionotters/pseuds/tenmillionotters
Summary: Feeling the warmth his body left, Souta sighed, yes, he knew why they ended up with this child. Itsuki had a soft spot for everyone who was lost, anyone who didn’t have a place to go to and nobody to rely on.





	Apricot

They had been lying next to each other in total silence for hours now. Once there was something different between them, they would spend the hours of the night intertwined in each other, now they didn’t even make eye contact. Souta felt the tension build up in Itsuki’s body, but he didn’t know what to do about it. He was only waiting for it to happen. It happened every few hours. 

She cried. The tension released. 

“I’ll go check on her…”, the older man muttered under his breath, he slowly got up, Souta stood behind. He turned on his back and stared at the ceiling. Was he jealous? He would love to say he knew what jealousy felt like but this was something different. There were too many things neither of them ever addressed. 

… for example the reason how and why they ended up with a baby all of the sudden… no, he knew the reason… 

Souta rolled on his side and placed his hand on the spot that his… his… his what? There was no terminology for this relationship. Itsuki was just Itsuki. First the old bastard. Then he was Marude-san. Then he was Maru. Then Itsuki. 

Yes, he was just Itsuki… nothing more and nothing less. 

Feeling the warmth his body left, Souta sighed, yes, he knew why they ended up with this child. Itsuki had a soft spot for everyone who was lost, anyone who didn’t have a place to go to and nobody to rely on. 

She was just as lost as Souta had been when all of this begun. It started with a bad joke, a genuine laugh, a bit of resentment and a lot of compassion. Souta didn’t want it and Itsuki didn’t want to feel it, but nothing ever went down the way either of them wanted to. 

What came first? Sex or … no he didn’t want to call it a relationship. He had been in something like a relationship before, but he didn’t care about Ami. He cared about Itsuki. He found himself waiting for him to get back home, he started eating normal food again. 

… how many times did he push back the surgery he planned on having because he wanted to enjoy… being like this a little longer? But now it felt like he was out of place, all Itsuki cared about was the baby and that was okay. They weren’t a couple. They just were… whatever they were. 

Souta turned to the window when he heard Itsuki enter the room, he wouldn’t fake being asleep but he wouldn’t ask what she wanted either. In the first 10 nights Itsuki still told him, then he just stopped. Souta missed it but he didn’t want to ask. He felt the bed move with the other and Itsuki sighed quietly, it hurt, just hearing him sigh as quietly was possible not trying to wake Souta up. 

It was hard to pretend he didn’t feel what he felt, even if that feeling didn’t have a name. He turned to Itsuki and buried his face in his chest. 

Did he cry again? He never cried before, but it became so easy after seeing Itsuki do it for him. It wasn’t because of something dramatic, not in Souta’s eyes, he just slipped and forgot to play his role, he watched the warm tears roll down Itsuki’s face and in that moment he knew there was no going back. 

He loved holding him tightly, he smelled warm… everything about him was comforting, from his strong arms to his broad shoulders. Souta was small. He didn’t even exist. He vanished in his roles, he vanished in the embrace of his … 

Their hands blindly searched for each other in the dark, the didn’t need to exchange sweet words, they already knew, they knew each other well enough, at least in this aspect. Just for once Souta wanted to feel his love again, feeling his lips pressed against his own, trembling while their bodies moved in sync. Only in moments like this he wanted to call it love, because he noticed the transition from fucking to making love. 

Itsuki got gentler, he held him tighter, he felt him deeper. Itsuki was his first, their first time was gentle but it was more of an experiment. Then it was passion. Now it was the only thing that he wanted to call _making_ love, because this was the only thing only Itsuki had given him first that wasn’t tainted by a sense of falseness.

The morning was cold. Souta woke up to an empty spot next to him, there was noise coming from the kitchen. His body moved mechanically, he got up and got dressed, he walked to the bathroom. Feeling cold water run over his body made him crave the other’s touch again, but he knew exactly that he wouldn’t come to play with him again so he just tried to cool down and move on. 

He didn’t say anything when he sat down at the table, Itsuki was so busy cooking he didn’t even notice that Souta sat there. The young man slowly stood up and walked over to the baby’s crib. She was sleeping peacefully. He didn’t even want to call her by her name, names were such an odd thing, they held such a strange power. The moment someone called you by your name they acknowledged your existence, when they gave you a nickname they showed their affection. 

He felt his chest tighten remembering the first nickname he was ever given… yes, he thought of it as love, but now he learned that there wasn’t just one way to love. There wasn’t just destructive love that burned you out, left you in pain. There was also love that never expected anything, love that was given to a person simply because they existed. 

Did Itsuki love the baby like this? Souta watched her breathe, he didn’t think much of it. Other people called it a miracle, there was nothing fantastic about it in his opinion. She was just… there… his hands started trembling as he slowly reached down but he pulled back the moment she moved. 

“You know it’s okay to touch her.”

He cursed under his breath and sighed, “You don’t have to surprise me like that…”

“Breakfast is ready.” 

All the love he had given him last night was gone now. He was quiet, he was cold. More than ever before. But Souta knew that he wasn’t because he chose to be, he knew that he didn’t try to hurt him, a pained expression was deeply engraved on his face.

They sat down at the table and quietly ate, listening to the baby breathe. After a while she woke up and began to cry again, Itsuki spoke to her in such a soft voice, he held her with so much gentle care that it made Souta’s stomach turn. 

Why? Why was he doing this? She wasn’t even his own child to begin with, Souta didn’t have any doubt about it because he was there when Itsuki found her in an old gym bag dumped somewhere next to the trash in a cold winter’s night. 

She cried, as if she cried for help, something Souta probably did too. Did someone come to pick him up? It took 21 years for someone to finally do that. For her it only took hours. 

She was lost. She was found. She was the luckiest person in the world. 

All the love, guidance and compassion Itsuki would give her would keep her from turning out like Souta. He was broken. Even in the face of something as … as… 

… if anyone else were in his situation they would have been happy, they would have been grateful for getting a chance to raise a baby with the - 

Souta stood up with so much force he nearly knocked his chair over, he didn’t care that Itsuki called out to him, his head was spinning and he just wanted to be alone. The only safe space he had was the bedroom, he hid underneath the sheets and pulled his legs close to his chest. 

Why couldn’t he just be happy…? Why couldn’t he just leave the past behind and move on - 

But it was never that easy. The sunlit garden, Rize, everyone, they were still a part of him. He couldn’t deny the things they did, where they went wrong and how it broke him. The word family didn’t have the same meaning as it did for Itsuki. He couldn’t just play house and pretend to be magically cured. 

He wanted to love but he was scared. He could always fall back into his roles, his patterns, he could hurt Itsuki and leave him behind. 

“Souta…”, he felt a gentle touch but it made him flinch, “Souta please -”

“WHAT?”, he could barely hold himself back and he began to sob, anger was such a painful thing, especially when it was directed towards someone you cared about so deeply, “Itsuki, I don’t want to hear what you have to say, don’t you have a baby you need to take care off just leave me alone -”

“Do you want me to leave you alone?”

God. How could he stay so composed all the time? Sotua didn’t want to look at him, if he did he would probably punch him, no he wouldn’t and he knew that. But still… it hurt so much to know how composed he was in this situation. 

“I said, I want you to leave and take care of your child, I know I am not as important -”, he wouldn’t have cared before, there was a time where he just said whatever he wanted, now he felt his hands press against his mouth as guilt weight him down. 

“Do you think you’re not important? Seriously? When I was trying to do this _with_ you the whole time?” 

Was this the point where they had to seperate? They had never fought before. Not like this. At least not at a time where Souta was so certain about his feelings, they never fought at a time where it hurt this much. 

“But did you ask me if I want this? You never asked me and why would you even want me to do this? You know who I am and you know how I am, what if I hurt her? What if I kill her? Why is it so important to you that I do this? Look at me, I never had a parent and I turned out alright why is it so important that I help you take care of her?”

Turned out alright? Maybe he liked to tell himself he did, but he knew exactly that he didn’t. He knew exactly how much they all needed and wanted someone they could rely on. 

“Because I love you.”

No. 

“I wanted to do this with you because I love you.” 

Stop saying it.

“I know that you didn’t grow up like… you would have deserved to but it’s -”

Why couldn’t he just stop talking? Souta felt forced to leave his hideout like a animal that smelled the approaching fire, his face was glowing, his eyes burned, “STOP ITSUKI JUST STOP I CAN’T EVER BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE YOU CAN’T SAVE EVERYONE JUST STOP PRETENDING YOU DO -”

“... I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have forced you into this position…” 

It was such a rare sight, seeing him lower his gaze, his eyes hidden behind his hair. If their eyes would have met, Souta would have seen the very moment his heart broke. It felt as if Souta’s voice was still echoing from the walls, Itsuki’s voice had faded. 

The noise had woken up the baby that began to cry again, Itsuki slowly backed away and Souta felt the distance between them grow. Was there even a way for him to reach out and apologise? 

No… he stood behind, staring down at his hands, it was too late for him right…? It was nice to pretend that he could have had a lover, a family of his own, things that they would never wanted him to have… things like a normal life, at least for a little while. 

But even if he made peace with his fate, this time it was too hard to drown out the pain, he wanted Itsuki to come back to him, he wanted him to hold him again and tell him that everything would be okay. 

Hours would pass, he would sit on the bed crying, more than he did in the past. He could run away and pretend this never happened. He could let his past dictate the way his future would pan out for the rest of his short life, but that would mean that he would lose Itsuki once and for all. 

Souta felt like a child, slowly crawling out of bed, blindly walking through the flat searching for his boyfriend, he didn’t want to be alone right now, he wanted to be with the person that he loved the most, the only person that challenged him to be better. 

He was still crying, it was an odd feeling. He wasn’t an adult now. He was child. He was a man but he was incapable of being one right now. He was 23. He was 5. He didn’t want to be alone. 

His body bumped into Itsuki’s and he clung to him as though he was afraid he was going to push him away. 

“Hey…”, he felt Itsuki’s arms wrap around him while his lips gently touched his forehead, “... it’s okay Souta… I’m not mad at you…”

“P-Please… be… I’m… so sorry…”, someone had told him it was hard to genuinely apologise, but even he knew that there were moments where everything got too much, when it was the only option that was left. 

“No…”, why couldn’t he just yell at him like he used to? “I love you Souta… I know it’s hard for you and you don’t have to… be the person I want you to be, just be you… take your time to adjust.” 

Time to adjust? Weren’t the 2 years they had spent together enough? Maybe it was time to finally set change into motion, “... do you think I can... do you think I could… hold her… for a second…?” 

Souta looked down at the baby that was wriggling in her crib, her eyes had as similar shape to Itsuki’s, the same curious gaze. He carefully picked her up and placed her in Souta’s arms, “You need to support her head, her neck muscles are too weak to support the weight... Yes, like that…” 

Even though seeing Itsuki smile so warmly at him made him feel more at ease, he couldn’t help but stare at Anzu, “H-Hello there… I’m Souta… I’m your papa’s boyfriend.” 

The baby started giggling and stretched her hands out to grab Souta’s face. Did that mean she liked him? He still felt so awkward holding her, she was so small and fragile, but she warm… just like Itsuki. 

“... do you think… that I can love her… like you, one day?”, he was still scared, but he smiled at her, she smiled back. Her small fingers dug into his cheeks as she pulled on them in amazement. It hurt a little bit, deep down in his chest. 

“I am sure that you’ll be an amazing father, Souta.” 

Even if he never had a real family himself…? No, no maybe he didn’t have one growing up, but now he had one, “... I’ll do my best… for both of you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Beans, who gave me the idea of a Marufuru baby.


End file.
